The Zombie Collective

 Today I had my bivalent Covid booster. Big deal, right? This is something that has become a normal part of our regular routine every few months, especially when you are immunodeficient. So if it isn’t a big deal, then why the hell can’t I stop the flashbacks? I’ve survived sepsis more times than I care to count. These repeated bouts of near death have left their toll on my previously already fragmented mind, to the extent that even something as common as a low grade fever (a response that is normal after getting a vaccine) sends me in to a panic. I know that the fever I am experiencing is exactly how the immune system is suppose to respond when it starts building an immunity to something, so why can’t I help but worry that this low grade fever is actually a symptom of something much more sinister brewing in my body? Why am I convinced I’m dying? This is the reality of PTSD. It isn’t what you see on tv or in the movies. Something as routine and benign as a vaccine can send you in to a

I think every female has experienced it to some degree- being diagnosed as being female. Even now in the year 2022, a male and a female could go to the doctors office with the exact same complaints and the male is more likely to be taken seriously quicker. Gender bias exists everywhere, but in my experienced, gender biased in the health care system can be one of the most detrimental; ultimately having the potential to lead to little quality of life, and even death. I have a several chronic illnesses including a genetic condition. It took 21 years to be diagnosed with one of my illnesses and 32 to be diagnosed with the genetic condition that causes all of my other chronic illnesses. My first diagnosis at 21 was dysautonomia. I started showing severe symptoms 7 months prior to my diagnosis. So for 7 months, I was going from doctor to doctor and test to test. I know from the outside some people might think this is a long time, but in all reality it takes almost 6 years for people to be di

I have CPTSD. SO, Let's talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and what the difference is.  As the name implies, PTSD and CPTSD, are mental illnesses that develop due to traumatic experiences. While they share some features, one of the main differences between PTSD and CPTSD is the trauma that causes the disorder. PTSD develops as a result of one to a few traumatic experiences. For example, a car accident or an assult. CPTSD develops after chronic, repeated traumatic experiences, like repeated child abuse/sexual abuse, or repeated relationship violance/rape.  Types of flashbacks  Visual flashbacks are what most people think of when we're talking about flashbacks. But the other types of flashbacks can be a bit more difficult to understand unless you've experienced them. During  Somatic flashbacks a person will relive the trauma via    physical sensations, such as pain, that might have expe

⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️- abuse, trauma, rape My trauma is my fault. There is this huge disconnect in my brain between what I know to be factually true (or false) and what I think and feel is true (or false). My trauma is my fault.... Logically I know this is untrue; no one deserves to be raped and abused. If someone else were telling me that they felt like their trauma was their fault, I could very easily tell them that it's not, that no one deserves trauma, and give them evidence to support that their trauma is not their fault. But I'm different. I don't know why, but I'm different. I've always been different and will always be different. I didn't tell anyone that I was being abused... I wasn't clear or explicit enough for people to understand that I wasn't comfortable with what they were doing to me... I let it happen...I feel like my trauma is my fault.... So, my trauma is my fault.  This is by no means the only negative, unwanted, intrusive, automatic

⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️ -abuse, trauma, rape  I'm 16 or 17 years old. I'm not in school, so it must be on a break. The weather is mild, not too hot, not too cold. Storm and his mom are kicked out of their apartment, and waiting for a duplex to become available for move in. So they decided to stay at a camp ground. Storm wants me to come with them. So I do. We share a tent with his mom at nights, but during the day she leaves us alone at the camp ground while she works. I want to do anything but go in to the tent alone with him while his mother is gone, but he makes me feel like I have to do what he wants me to do. It's the least I could do in exchange for him loving someone as ugly, stupid, and unlovable as me. So we go in to the tent. I feel him gently tracing the letter o over my skin. Then suddenly, I can hear the traffic sounds outside my apartment, and cheering from the nearby football stadium. Did I fall asleep? Was it just a nightmare? Logically I know I'm not in t

Tw: sex, abuse, rape Have you googled an ex before? Even if they were extremely toxic and abusive? I made that mistake a month or so ago. But before I go into what I found, let's back track to high school when he and I were in a "relationship". Also just a disclaimer, my blogs might not always been in chronological order, I'm just going to go with the flow and what I want to write about that day  For anonymity, not that he deserves it, I will refer to him as "Storm." Storm and I dated for 2 years in highschool. He was 15 and I was 16 when we started dating... Only a year after the sexual abuse from my sister ended. Like most abusive relationships, it started out good, but it didn't stay that way for long. The first red flags that I remember with him were his controlling behaviors. I wasn't allowed to ride the bus to and from school. I had to ride to school with him and his mom. I was expected to be with him every waking moment. And when I wasn't

Trigger warning - addiction, abuse  For as long as I can remember I have always felt a sense of duty and responsibility to take care of everyone else. I'm the baby of the family, but I always had to be the adult. My dad left my mom before I was born. My mom a always working to provide for us the best that she could, but being a single parent of 3 kids is hard as hell in "normal" situations. But our situation was far from being normal. My brother is and has been an addict for decades now. He was in and out of juvy more times than I can count before he was 18, and since then he's spent more time in jail then out of it. My mom would put herself out to help him, he is her son after all... I honestly think this is part of where my sense of duty has come from... Now, after 30 years of him taking advantage of her, and throwing away the resources she worked her ass to provide him with, she had to set boundaries with him. I'm proud of her for this, because I know how impos