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My trauma is my fault

⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️- abuse, trauma, rape

My trauma is my fault. There is this huge disconnect in my brain between what I know to be factually true (or false) and what I think and feel is true (or false). My trauma is my fault.... Logically I know this is untrue; no one deserves to be raped and abused. If someone else were telling me that they felt like their trauma was their fault, I could very easily tell them that it's not, that no one deserves trauma, and give them evidence to support that their trauma is not their fault. But I'm different. I don't know why, but I'm different. I've always been different and will always be different. I didn't tell anyone that I was being abused... I wasn't clear or explicit enough for people to understand that I wasn't comfortable with what they were doing to me... I let it happen...I feel like my trauma is my fault.... So, my trauma is my fault. 

This is by no means the only negative, unwanted, intrusive, automatic thought that I have. They're more than just thoughts though. They're core beliefs that I have about myself. It's fraught, but no matter what "alternative thoughts" I come up with that are more accurate and based on facts, it still feels like it's true. It still feels like my trauma is my fault. Anyone familiar with cbt or cpt might recognize this type of thinking as emotional reasoning, which boils down to "I feel it, so it must be true." But here's the thing, feelings are not facts. I'm going to repeat that feelings ARE NOT facts. Bad things happen to everyone, not just bad people. There's nothing anyone could do to deserve rape and abuse. No one deserves to be abused. No one deserves to be raped. The people who hurt me, they are the ones that made the decisions to do so... I had no control over their thoughts and actions. I keep telling myself these things...and you know what? It helps.... Last week I was 100% sure that my trauma is fault. And today, I feel 95% sure of it. To anyone reading this 5% might not seem significant, but for me it's huge. 
-M

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