The reality of PTSD

Today I had my bivalent Covid booster. Big deal, right? This is something that has become a normal part of our regular routine every few months, especially when you are immunodeficient. So if it isn’t a big deal, then why the hell can’t I stop the flashbacks? I’ve survived sepsis more times than I care to count. These repeated bouts of near death have left their toll on my previously already fragmented mind, to the extent that even something as common as a low grade fever (a response that is normal after getting a vaccine) sends me in to a panic. I know that the fever I am experiencing is exactly how the immune system is suppose to respond when it starts building an immunity to something, so why can’t I help but worry that this low grade fever is actually a symptom of something much more sinister brewing in my body? Why am I convinced I’m dying? This is the reality of PTSD. It isn’t what you see on tv or in the movies. Something as routine and benign as a vaccine can send you in to a spiral

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PTSD vs CPTSD

I have CPTSD. SO, Let's talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and what the difference is. As the name implies, PTSD and CPTSD, are mental illnesses that develop due to traumatic experiences. While they share some features, one of the main differences between PTSD and CPTSD is the trauma that causes the disorder. PTSD develops as a result of one to a few traumatic experiences. For example, a car accident or an assult. CPTSD develops after chronic, repeated traumatic experiences, like repeated child abuse/sexual abuse, or repeated relationship violance/rape. Types of flashbacks Visual flashbacks are what most people think of when we're talking about flashbacks. But the other types of flashbacks can be a bit more difficult to understand unless you've experienced them. During Somatic flashbacks a person will relive the trauma via physical sensations, such as pain, that might have expe

Nightmares

⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️ -abuse, trauma, rape I'm 16 or 17 years old. I'm not in school, so it must be on a break. The weather is mild, not too hot, not too cold. Storm and his mom are kicked out of their apartment, and waiting for a duplex to become available for move in. So they decided to stay at a camp ground. Storm wants me to come with them. So I do. We share a tent with his mom at nights, but during the day she leaves us alone at the camp ground while she works. I want to do anything but go in to the tent alone with him while his mother is gone, but he makes me feel like I have to do what he wants me to do. It's the least I could do in exchange for him loving someone as ugly, stupid, and unlovable as me. So we go in to the tent. I feel him gently tracing the letter o over my skin. Then suddenly, I can hear the traffic sounds outside my apartment, and cheering from the nearby football stadium. Did I fall asleep? Was it just a nightmare? Logically I know I'm not in t

Sense of Duty after abuse

Trigger warning - addiction, abuse For as long as I can remember I have always felt a sense of duty and responsibility to take care of everyone else. I'm the baby of the family, but I always had to be the adult. My dad left my mom before I was born. My mom a always working to provide for us the best that she could, but being a single parent of 3 kids is hard as hell in "normal" situations. But our situation was far from being normal. My brother is and has been an addict for decades now. He was in and out of juvy more times than I can count before he was 18, and since then he's spent more time in jail then out of it. My mom would put herself out to help him, he is her son after all... I honestly think this is part of where my sense of duty has come from... Now, after 30 years of him taking advantage of her, and throwing away the resources she worked her ass to provide him with, she had to set boundaries with him. I'm proud of her for this, because I know how impos

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